


Dirty Movies

by Redembe



Series: The Dirty Series [1]
Category: The Sentinel (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-05
Updated: 2019-04-05
Packaged: 2020-01-05 05:29:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18359558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Redembe/pseuds/Redembe
Summary: Jim stumbles on some old porn movies and has a giant guilt fest.  The boys get together.





	Dirty Movies

If someone had told Jim Ellison three years ago that he’d be jerking off to kiddie porn he’d have put a bullet in their head. Well, technically, he rationalized, it wasn’t exactly kiddie porn. He didn’t, after all, know EXACTLY how old the young man in the video was. But he could extrapolate. He could infer. He could guess based on the age his partner was currently and he could count pretty well. The video was recently posted so the date listed on the site didn’t mean much, but there was no mistaking that face, those blue eyes, that curly hair.

He groaned. More pain than pleasure. Punishing himself with the roughness of his strokes, his refusal to reach for the tube of lubricant in the nightstand, his refusal to take his eyes off the action on the small laptop screen. He was close. So close. So close to burning in a fiery hell of his own making.

“Jim?!” His partner’s unexpected voice from downstairs at the exact moment of his climax almost sent him through the roof. A slow-motion slap-stick dance ensued. The laptop was flying through the air, careening towards the hard floor while his sticky, clumsy, orgasm-slow hands grabbed ineffectively at nothing. The loud crash was followed by a string of curse words in three languages.

“Jim, are you okay?” 

He heard Blair moving towards the stairs and panic quickly swept away his remaining pleasure.

“Yeah, no problem, Sandburg. I just fell asleep over the laptop and you startled me.” He held his breath as the footsteps came to a stop, then veered towards the hallway and the bathroom.

“Hope it’s not broken.” Of course Blair was smart enough and observant enough to realize it had been the computer that had made that loud crash.

“Me too,” he whispered, thinking that the laptop was the LEAST of his worries at this point.

Retrieving the computer from the floor proved that, yes, the screen was completely trashed. He’d have to take it around to Computer Depo tomorrow and see if it could be salvaged or if he’d need a whole new system. Accepting this as no more than he deserved for his crimes he simply closed it as best he could and used some tissue to clean the rest of the evidence from his skin. He listened as Blair showered below him. Must be his date didn’t pan out. Jim was grateful for the interruption. It had kept him from viewing the other four videos featuring the same young version of his partner.

He hissed as pain exploded from his inner thigh. He looked down to see himself twisting a hunk of skin between his fingers. Something he had not done since he was a teenager. Forcing himself to pry his hand away, he practically vaulted out of bed and started ruthlessly stripping the sheets. No way was he going to sleep in this bed which still smelled like betrayal. 

The closet yielded up an old set of flannel sheets he usually used only in winter. It would be hot for these August nights but he figured he could suffer a couple of nights until he could wash the other sheets without being detected. Blair was sure to ask questions. Any change in Jim’s behavior patterns usually yielded at least five. Maybe he should consider not being such an anal retentive asshole.

 

The smell of coffee woke him from a sleep he didn’t remember having. Jim rolled over slowly in bad and squinted at the sun streaming through the skylight. Why was there sun streaming through the skylight? 

“Sandburg!” He yelled, suddenly wide awake and sitting up in bed.

“It’s okay, Jim. Simon called and said Brown and Rafe were able to snag Hillson last night so we don’t have to go in until the afternoon.”

Heart still pounding with adrenaline, Jim let himself sink back into the bed. He knew he wasn’t ready to face Blair yet. He had been hoping that work might distract him from the dangerous thoughts still careening around in his head. Now he had nothing to do. Nothing to fill his mind and replace the dirty-beautiful pictures that he could still see. The images that were, even now, causing his dick to fill and his face to get hot. His left hand reached for his inner thigh before he could think about it. The pain made the pictures go away.

When he finally made his way downstairs he found Blair at the kitchen table, an empty plate laden with bagel crumbs by his right elbow, his laptop open and his fingers tapping at light speed over the keys while what was probably his second (Jim squinted) no, THIRD cup of coffee steamed away merrily by his left. 

“You leave any for me, Sandburg?” His voice was much more growly than normal.

The raised eyebrows and over-the-glasses look he got from his young roommate showed the tone had been noted. “There’s three more cups left, man. You got a thorn in your paw or something?”

When he didn’t answer right away, Jim heard the typing resume and his partner gave a loud sigh. “Sorry, didn’t sleep well.” He mumbled. Blair didn’t deserve his shitty mood. 

The typing stopped again. “Is it your senses?” The Guide was now fully engaged, waiting to intervene in any sense-related issues.

“They’re fine, Sandburg. Just a regular old bad night’s sleep is all.”

Jim got his coffee and turned to sit at the table, but instead grabbed the paper and headed for the couch. The typing slowed for a split second but then resumed its rhythm. The weekday paper was small and Jim wasn’t interested in most of it. When his cup was empty he folded the paper, stood and stretched. 

“I’m gonna run over to Computer Depo and have them take a look at my laptop. The screen’s totally fucked up and I’m hoping I won’t have a buy a new one.” 

“That sucks, man, I’m sorry. You want me to come with? I could maybe get you the computer geek discount.” Blair said. 

Jim could tell that Blair was taking the responsibility for his busted computer. Thinking he had caused the accident by startling his sleeping partner.

“No, that’s okay, but I can swing by here and pick you up on my way to the station if you want.”

“Actually, I have to go to Ranier today and meet with my committee. I’ve got two new chapters for them to review.” Blair turned to give him the sheepish, self-conscious grin he always adopted when speaking about his dissertation. 

“No problem, just give me a call if you decide to come in. We could probably use your help with some paperwork on this case.”

“You got it, man!” 

 

Computer Depo sat in a large strip center in a suburban sprawl area of the city where normally Jim wouldn’t be inclined to spend any time. Risking having some IT guy at work discover what he was up to on his personal laptop though, was not an option. No way. 

It didn’t take them long to make the final pronouncement.

“Your computer’s fucked, dude.”

Jim’s eyes narrowed and his jaw clenched at the kid behind the counter. It seemed like no one had any sense of professionalism these days.

“So you’re telling me I have to buy a whole new system? Can’t you just replace the screen?” He thought about surreptitiously flashing his badge but thought better of it, just in case.

“Sorry, man, this thing is over four years old. They don’t even MAKE screens for these anymore. If you want you can buy a monitor or a small TV and hook it up to that. But then of course that kinda defeats the purpose of having a laptop.” The kid shrugged his shoulders to signify the hopelessness of the situation.

“Just show me what you have in the way of laptops.” 

In less than forty-five minutes Jim walked out of Computer Depo with a new laptop and a new attitude. He chose to see the demise of his old laptop as a sign. A sign that he should, under no circumstances, allow himself to indulge in any illicit fantasies about his partner (past OR present). It wasn’t fair to Blair for him to be irritable and short-tempered due to unrequited lust. He’d lusted after people before without losing his control. This time would be no different.

 

The loft was quiet when he walked in two weeks later. Shoulders slumping in disappointment, Jim went through the motions of unwinding from his day. When he walked into the kitchen he saw that Blair had prepared one of his one-dish casseroles (the one with the cheese and broccoli that he liked so much) and left heating instructions along with a note about another grad student with an urgent editing emergency. A lump formed in his throat. A feeling, not unfamiliar, washed over him. For a moment he imagined that he and Blair were living the type of life that he had been longing for from the beginning. He imagined that there was a world in which he and Blair could be more than just roommates, partners, best friends and brothers in arms. Even his marriage to Carolyn had never produced these types of feelings. Perhaps Blair would say it was a Sentinel/Guide thing, but Jim preferred to think that it was a love thing. He knew, deep down, that Caro and he had never been in love. Sure, they had liked each other a whole lot. They had even loved each other after a fashion. But being IN LOVE… no, Jim was sure he’d never felt like this for anyone before Blair. 

In the midst of these musings, he found himself standing in front of the oven, having already set it to pre-heat. It would take a few minutes before he could put his dinner in. The bag with his new computer still sat by the door where he’d left it. He’d been reluctant to even set the thing up. He’d managed to resist temptation until now. Sitting on the couch, he opened the box and pulled out the various pieces of paper, instruction booklets and packing materials. The set-up was easy. It took only a few minutes to get the new machine ready for use. When he was done, he went back to the kitchen and put the pan in the oven, setting the timer as instructed. 

When he turned around, the innocuous glowing screen stared back at him from the coffee table. The loft was quiet. He could smell the casserole cooking in the over and the normal loft-smells (a combination of his and Blair’s unique scents) swirling around him. He remembered how he’d felt the night he stumbled on those videos. The ones of his partner. His partner as a teenager. Engaging in the type of intimate, outrageous, dirty things he’d fantasized about for YEARS now. At first he was shocked. He’d assumed his partner had no interest in men. Blair had never mentioned dating a guy nor had he ever come home smelling of another man. And he’d CERTAINLY never mentioned making porn. Perhaps it was just a gay-for-pay scenario. He remembered hitting the play button almost as if his hand were not attached to his body. Part of his mind rebelled at what he was doing, but part of it was salivating at what he was seeing on the screen. He knew it was wrong, but he’d been denying himself for SO long…

He found himself on the couch with the computer in his lap. He’d already typed in the first few letters of the URL. Appalled at himself, he almost threw the new computer onto the floor, but managed to drop it with a loud bang on the coffee table. Standing, he rubbed his hands on his jeans-covered thighs and swallowed loudly. He could not allow himself to violate his partner again. No way. He picked up the phone instead. He could hear Blair’s cell ringing in a strange echoing way. It took him a minute to realize that he was hearing the phone in stereo because Blair had apparently left his phone in his room. 

“Great,” he grumbled, hoping his partner made it home safely and that his car wouldn’t give him any trouble.

He still had thirty minutes until dinner was cooked so he collected a few things from upstairs and went into the bathroom. A hot shower was just what he needed to wash away the stress of the day and the shame in his heart.

 

 

“Thank you SO much, Abigail, I’m so sorry about you having to go out of your way to bring me home.” Blair turned to the other grad student with a smile as they pulled up in front of his apartment on Prospect.

“No problem! I should be thanking you, really. I’m always leaving these things to the last minute. I swear, I don’t know how I even made it this far in school!”

“Hey, no problem. Dyslexia is no joke. I know editing can be a pain when you have trouble with seeing the words correctly,” Blair gave her shoulder a pat and got out of the car. “Drive safe!” Shutting the door, he waved as she took off down the street.

It was much later than he expected to return. He hoped that Jim wasn’t mad. It was just like him to leave his cell phone behind and have his car break down on top of it. At least Abby was able to give him a ride home so he didn’t have to get Jim out of bed at eleven o’clock at night. There was no out-of-order sign on the elevator and it rattled down to him when he pushed the call button so at least he didn’t have to lug his heavy school bag up three flights of stairs. He’d hoped to get to talk with Jim during dinner. There was definitely something up with him. Jim was not the kind of guy to miss sleep. He could sleep anytime, anywhere. So the fact that his Sentinel had complained of not sleeping well had his Guide alarm bells ringing. He was sure Jim would be in bed already though. Especially after working all afternoon and not sleeping well the night before. He promised himself that he would have that talk with Jim in the morning, whether his partner liked it or not. If there was something off with the other man’s senses then his Guide needed to know about it. 

“I swear, his stubborn ego will be the death of both of us,” Blair mumbled as he entered their apartment as quietly as possible. But as he entered he noticed a faint light coming from the loft bedroom upstairs. He turned a concerned look upwards and contemplated just going up and confronting his partner right then, but then he thought maybe Jim just fell asleep with the light on. In which case it would be the friendly thing to do to go up and turn it off for him. 

He left his shoes by the door and walked, sock-footed, up the stairs to Jim’s bedroom. He made no discernable noise and he’d done this enough times to know that Jim wouldn’t automatically wake up at his intrusion. Blair’s theory was that a Sentinel would instinctively recognize the sights, sounds and smells of his Guide and not be disturbed by them. But when he reached the bedroom, the sight that greeted him sent him into immediate action.

He saw Jim, curled on his side in a fetal position under the blankets. His partner’s face was contorted with pain and his eyes were closed. He clearly either couldn’t hear Blair’s approach or was so far gone in his own pain that he wasn’t able to acknowledge it.

“Jim,” he whispered, kneeling on the floor close to the bed. He let his breath ghost over his partner’s face as he spoke. “Jim, can you talk to me? Can you hear me? I’m here, man, come back to me. Follow my voice, Jim.” 

When Jim didn’t respond, he started cycling through anything that could be causing such alarming symptoms in his Sentinel. But nothing in the loft was different. Perhaps something had happened while he was at work. Why hadn’t he taken his damn cell phone?! He thought about going back down to check if he’d missed a message from Simon or his partner but he couldn’t tear himself away from the Sentinel in this state.

He reached out and put his hand on the older man’s shoulder lightly. Then, when this did not produce a response he began to rub the shoulder and arm gently, speaking quiet nonsense into the void of Jim’s pain.

“Jim, man, I don’t know what’s wrong but you gotta come back to me now. I want to help you but I need to know what’s wrong.” He could feel the tension in the arm he was rubbing and tried to massage more firmly, hoping to loosen the muscles. He could feel the arm relax slightly but there was still not much give. Perhaps he could get Jim to respond another way. Maybe if Jim could just squeeze his hand he would at least know that the other man could hear him. Keeping his eyes locked on Jim’s face, he let his hand run down Jim’s arm, under the sheet but when he got to Jim’s wrist he realized something was wrong. He could still feel the tension and Jim’s hand was not moving. It was crammed up close to his thigh.

“Jim, com’mon, give me your hand, man. It’s okay. Whatever’s going on we can fix it, but I need to know you’re hearing me, man.” He tried again to jerk Jim’s hand away from his body. This time Jim let out a pained little moan. Blair’s eyes jerked to where his hand was locked around his Sentinel’s wrist and then went wide.

“Jim! Let go!” He could see that Jim had a piece of skin visciously pinched between his thumb and first finger and he was twisting it. The entire area was purple and he could see other, older bruises all over both of Jim’s thighs. Fighting down panic, Blair took a few deep breaths and tried to figure out what he should do. Clearly there was something big going on here and it had been going on for a while by the looks of things. They would need to have one hell of a talk… if he could ever get his partner to come out of whatever freaky type of zone this was.

“Jim, please, come back to me. You’re hurting yourself and you’re scaring me!” He put both of his hands on the sides of Jim’s face and spoke so that the breath of his speech washed over his partner’s mouth and nose. “Can you hear me? Smell me? Feel my hands on you? I need you to come back now.” 

“That’s it, big guy,” Blair said, noticing a slight lessening of tension in the Sentinel’s body. “Whatever it is we’ll figure it out. I promise.” He continued to gently massage the other man’s face and arms, easing the muscles from their locked state. As soon as he was able, he pried Jim’s hand loose from his flesh and held it between his, rubbing softly, waiting for his partner to open his eyes. The grimace of pain had disappeared, but the expression that replaced it was far more worrying. Moisture appeared at the corners of Jim’s eyes and tears began to leak down his cheek onto the pillow. 

“Jim, common man, I need to you open your eyes and talk to me. I need to know what’s hurting and how I can help.” His gentle cajoling must have worked. Jim’s blue eyes opened. When their gazes locked, Blair could see intense pain behind those eyes, pain and shame.

“I’m sorry,” Jim croaked. That seemed to be all he could get out before he was gripped by a wave of grief. 

Blair’s heart constricted. Clearly Jim thought he’d done something horrible. Knowing Jim’s overinflated sense of guilt it was probably not as bad as the older man was making it out to be. He spared a moment for the flash of frustration that crept in. He thought they’d moved past all of the secret-keeping after Alex. That entire fiasco had almost resulted in his death and the dissolution of their partnership simply because Jim hadn’t trusted him. Hadn’t turned to him when things were getting bad. What the hell was he here for if not to help?!

“Come on, sit up,” Blair said, his voice taking on a matter-of-fact tone that brooked no argument. When Jim didn’t respond, he simply manhandled the other man into a sitting position and got on the bed behind him. He wrapped his arms around his Sentinel and held him tightly. “Now, I’m not letting you go until you spill. Keeping secrets is what hurt us in the past. I thought we’d learned from that, Jim. I thought we were on the same wave-length here.” He injected just a slight note of hurt into his voice. Sure, it was blatant manipulation but he figured that desperate times called for desperate measures. 

Jim snorted derisively. “Like you could stop me,” he mumbled, but his body relaxed in his Guide’s embrace, seemingly content to let Blair hold him.

“Are you going to tell me what’s going on? I’ve never seen you like this before.” 

“I was like this once before since I’ve met you,” Jim said softly. “It was after the fountain. After Alex…” It seemed he couldn’t finish. His body contracted again and a wave of fresh tears flowed.

“It’s okay, big guy, I’m fine. I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere. I promise. Now tell me what’s going on. I’m sure we can work it out together.” Blair waited, sitting with Jim and trying to be patient. He tried to remember the time right after Alex but he had been so focused on healing and his own trauma that he’d obviously missed something big. He ran his hands up and down Jim’s arms and torso, trying to comfort and sooth. 

“I saw your videos.” Jim spoke so softly Blair wasn’t sure he’d heard right. Then when he worked out the words, the meaning escaped him.

“Videos? Jim, I have no idea what you’re talking about. What videos?” Then it clicked. The memories came rushing back. He hadn’t even thought about that in YEARS. He’d assumed they’d been swallowed by the great abyss that was the world wide web.

“OH! Those videos!” He exclaimed, his face reddening slightly. He wasn’t exactly embarrassed, just not sure how to react to his uptight, straight arrow partner watching him star in porn. “Um, okay. I’m still not quite sure why this is a problem.” He vividly remembered making the films. Each one was a short, amateur porn video shot by a guy who was breaking into the business. He’d recruited some college kids to star and paid them pretty well for a few hours ‘work’. He certainly wasn’t ashamed of it, nor was he particularly trying to hide it. It just hadn’t come up.

Jim shifted and sat up, now facing him on the bed. Blair could still see deep shame and sorrow in his eyes.

“Jim, I’m not sure why you’re so upset about watching those videos, but I’m not ashamed of making them. I wasn’t coerced or forced in any way. I worked on that project because I wanted some extra money to spend that semester. It was good pay for some pretty fun work.” 

Blair wasn’t quite sure if he was reading the look on Jim’s face accurately. A confounding mix of confusion, frustration and lingering guilt sat there like a cloud hanging over them. Finally, Jim spoke.

“How old were you when you made those movies?” He asked hesitantly, as if he was afraid of the answer.

A light bulb clicked on in Blair’s head. “Oh, that’s what’s got you all tied up in knots. Jim, I wish you would talk to me about these things when they happen instead of waiting until everything blows up in your face. I was seventeen when I made those.” Before Jim could interrupt he went on. “Remember, I started college when I was fifteen! It didn’t take me long to figure out I would need a fake ID to do anything fun. The guy who did the movies thought I was twenty-one at the time. And like I said, it was completely consensual. I didn’t do anything that I didn’t want to do. So you can stop feeling all guilty or disgusted or angry on my behalf, or your own for that matter.”

“That’s not all, Blair.” 

The use of his first name had the younger man raising his eyebrows.

“I…” Jim stopped as if he found it hard to force the words out, “I enjoyed them.” And the blush that spread over his face and down his neck revealed just how Jim had enjoyed his movies.

For a few minutes Blair was unsure how to respond. He could tell that Jim was disturbed by the fact that he had enjoyed watching the videos and that this probably had something to do with his apparent young age and possibly he felt that he had somehow betrayed Blair’s trust by even watching them in the first place, much less taking pleasure in it. He knew Jim Ellison well enough to know that all of these things would bother him greatly.

“Jim, look at me,” Blair said, getting Jim to pry his eyes away from the blanket in front of him. “First, I want you to hear me. Really hear me, man. Are you listening?” Blair waited for Jim’s nod. “I am not mad that you watched those movies. And I’m not bothered by the fact that you liked them! Hell, Jim, aren’t you supposed to enjoy watching porn? That’s the whole point, right?”

“You aren’t bothered by the fact that I got off on watching a kid… you having sex?!” Jim’s anger at himself came through loud and clear at the words.

“Jim, were you a virgin at the age of seventeen?”

Jim seemed momentarily confused by the change in direction. “No,” he answered hesitantly.

“Right. Neither was I. I had already had plenty of experience with both girls and guys by then. I was only a few short months away from being completely legal when I did those movies. It’s not like you were jerking it to five year olds or something! Geez, man! You’re overblown guilt complex has got to take a break.”

Jim just shrugged. Blair could tell he still wasn’t completely over it, but he felt that his partner was at least satisfied that he wasn’t mad at the other man.

“What about those bruises, Jim?” Blair asked the question as he reached out to take one of Jim’s hands in his. “Can we talk about that?”

“I don’t know what to say.” Jim shifted awkwardly. The blush had returned to his face. Blair waited. “You probably know enough about psychology to know what’s going on with that, don’t you?”

“I can guess,” Blair answered. “But I think it would be good for you to share it with me. So I can understand where you’re coming from. I have to be honest, man, it hurts me that you would hurt so much that you’d self-harm.”

“I haven’t done that in a long time. I don’t want you to think this is something I do all the time. I just… when I saw the videos the first time and I realized it was you and then I just… it was too much. I couldn’t keep myself from feeling things about you that I thought you might reject or find repulsive. I guess hurting myself was the way I could punish myself for that. I felt like I was betraying you.”

“Oh, Jim,” Blair sighed and squeezed his partner’s hand, “maybe we both need to be a little better about communication.”

Jim gave him a small, confused smile.

“Let me read between the lines a little bit. You’ve been attracted to me for a while. You thought that I wouldn’t be interested because you’ve seen me date women exclusively since we met. You felt your unrequited feelings were somehow a betrayal of our partnership and trust. Am I hitting it pretty close?”

“Well, you do know me pretty well, Chief,” Jim answered, shrugging sheepishly. 

“Yeah, I do,” Blair said. “So now it’s my turn to apologize. I should have told you I was bi when I moved in. I just didn’t because, well, it never came up and I was kinda worried that if you knew you’d kick me out and I’d be screwed on my research.”

“I can see how you might have come to that conclusion,” Jim said, thinking back to those early days when he’d been a bit of an asshole.

“But what I really should have shared was that I’ve also been attracted to you. I mean, there’s no denying that you’re one hell of a specimen. Pretty much anyone with a pulse is attracted to you.”

“So you’re saying we’ve both wasted a massive amount of time,” Jim said. “Man, we are idiots.”

They sat grinning at each other for a few minutes until Blair realized he was still holding Jim’s hand. When he tried to pull back gently, Jim squeezed his hand.

“Don’t,” Jim said, “I like touching you. I like you touching me. Look, Blair, these feelings that I’ve been having for you. It’s not just about sex.”

“Good,” Blair replied, “neither are mine.”

“Good.”

Now that the crisis seemed to be over, an air of awkwardness descended. 

“So, what now?” Jim asked.

“Oh, I’m the Guide so I have to make the first move?” Blair teased.

“No,” Jim said, surprising the younger man with his serious tone. “I just want to know if this is the real thing for you. Because I’m pretty sure it’s the real thing for me and I couldn’t stand it if I had to see you continue to date other people after sleeping with me.”

Feeling touched by Jim’s honesty. Knowing how hard it was for the older man to speak so candidly, Blair replied, “Jim, this is it for me, too. You’re it for me. I realized a long time ago, even before all that shit with my Mom leaking the diss and then Alex. Even before all of that I knew that I was in love with you. Honestly, it just never occurred to me that you were anything but straight. I wasn’t about to risk our friendship that way. I mean, I knew by then you weren’t going to beat me up or kick me out or anything, but I was afraid that it would make you self-conscious or uncomfortable around me.”

Jim sighed, “To tell you the truth, I’ve never been with a guy sexually. I mean, I always knew I was attracted to both sexes but there was no way, with my Dad and then the military and then being a cop, there was no way I could risk anything like a casual fling.”

“Are you sure you want to start now? Because I’m pretty sure it’s still fairly dangerous for a cop to be gay. This is not a decision for either of us to take lightly.”  
Blair’s concern touched him deeply. He had spent a lot of time thinking about that very issue over the past few years. But frankly, he was getting to the age when he just didn’t give a shit what anyone else thought. He knew the guys in Major Crimes wouldn’t bat an eye. Half of them already thought he and Blair were fucking just based on the whispered rumors he heard regularly. 

“Blair, I’m not getting any younger. I’ve spent my entire life up until now trying to conform to everyone else’s expectations. I’ve given up a lot of things that would have made my life easier and happier. I’m tired of it. This… we are not something I want to give up,” Jim answered, squeezing the hand he still held.

“Good,” Blair replied, “I just have one more question so we can clear the air and put this issue of my illicit past behind us.” Blair smiled so Jim would know he wasn’t angry or embarrassed.

“What’s that?” 

“Just for the record, I was happy to do those films. It wasn’t traumatic for me. I was not coerced or forced in any way. I want that to be crystal clear in your mind because I know how you are. You’ve seen some nasty shit as a police officer that has colored your view of the adult entertainment industry and sex work as a whole, but you need to understand that not everyone is a victim. I won’t have you treating me like one and I won’t have you torturing yourself about watching ‘kiddie porn’ because that’s not what that was. Okay?”

Jim carefully mulled over Blair’s words. He knew his partner was serious and intellectually he knew his partner was also right. (Blair was usually right.) “I get it,” he answered eventually, “I really do. And I believe you when you say that what you did was consensual. I can’t say that it doesn’t still bother me just a little. It’s like discovering a dark corner of myself that I never knew existed.”

“What, you’re worried that tomorrow you will want to jerk it to a five-year-old?” Blair asked facetiously. 

“No, of course not!” Jim said. “It’s hard for me to explain. Do we have to talk this to death right at this moment? Can’t we just get on to the hot sex part of the evening?” Jim’s voice was full of good humor but his eyes grew dark as he leaned forward slightly.

Blair laughed at Jim’s blatent manipulation. “All right. I just don’t want you stewing over this for the next fifty years, okay? You haven’t turned into a pedophile just because you watched one seventeen-year-old college student fuck on camera.”

A warm rush of arousal hit Jim. Blair’s use of the word ‘fuck’ turned him on. Even though Blair was outspoken and liberal, he was rarely vulgar. And Jim knew he had a weakness for dirty talk. Caro had always been too self-conscious to talk dirty in bed, but in Jim’s wildest, horniest fantasies, his fantasy lovers had always talked dirty to him. And he’d had a few real-life lovers who’d enjoyed it as well. But somehow, hearing that word come out of Blair’s mouth send him from mildly interested to when-can-we-get-naked almost instantly.

Blair must have sensed his mood, or perhaps he had some expression on his face that gave it away because he didn’t seem surprised when Jim leaned forward and sealed their mouths together. Unsurprisingly, Jim took complete control of the kiss. He bore Blair back onto the mattress so they were laying awkwardly parallel to the pillows with Blair’s legs hanging over the side of the bed and Jim kneeling over him, kissing him like he was trying to learn the taste of every molecule in his mouth.

“Jesus, Jim,” Blair panted several minutes later when Jim finally pulled back, “you weren’t kidding when you said you wanted to get to the hot sex part.”

“It was the ‘fuck’,” Jim said, and dived back down before Blair could give voice to his curiosity.

“I’m sorry, what?” Blair asked, stilling Jim’s next attempt at mining his tonsils.

“You said ‘fuck’,” Jim’s sex-addled brain attempted explanation.

“Yes, Jim, I do sometimes say the word fuck,” Blair said, amused.

Jim rolled his eyes, “It turns me on. Dirty talk, I mean. In bed.”

Blair grinned mischievously. “Oh yeah?” He asked, running his hands up and down Jim’s bare back. 

“Yeah,” Jim answered as he returned to feasting on Blair’s mouth.

They kissed for endless minutes. Wet, sloppy kisses that had them breaking periodically to wipe mouths and faces. Jim moved so he was laying mostly on top of the smaller man, and Blair could feel Jim’s rhythmic thrusting against his thigh, the older man’s cock hard and leaking. 

“Jim,” Blair panted as Jim worked his way down his neck, biting and licking, “if you want to fuck me we’re going to have to take some clothes off here.”

Jim stilled and looked up. “I want to. Show me what to do.” 

Gently, Blair pushed the other man away so he could stand and remove his clothes. He watched Jim watch him. “Take your boxers off, man, I want to see you.”

As if just remembering he was still wearing his underwear, Jim stood quickly and skinned out of his shorts. They stood for a minute just looking at each other. 

“What do you think?” Blair asked, stroking his own dick lightly, teasingly. Even he could hear Jim swallow loudly. Jim’s hungry stare made Blair’s dick get even harder.

“I think…” Jim started, then had to take a couple of slow breathes, “I think I want to taste you.”

“You do, huh? You want to suck my cock, Jim?” Blair moved over to sit on the bed and spread his legs, leaning back on his hands and cocking his head to the side, giving Jim a Cheshire Cat grin. “You said you’ve never been with a guy, right? Not even a little experimentation? No mutual masturbation? No watching porn together and jerking off?”

“No,” Jim answered while he stared, rooted to the spot, at Blair’s erection bobbing between his legs in time to his heartbeat.

“You know what gets me hot, Jim?” 

It seemed Jim had lost the use of his voice. He just shook his head.

“I like the thought of being your first, last and only. The first and last man you’ll ever taste. The first and last man you’ll ever fuck. And I could cum thinking about taking your cherry. You do want me to fuck you, right Jim? I mean, we can take it slow. I promise I won’t do anything you don’t want me to do.”

The hypnotic spell of Blair’s words drew Jim in. He felt himself moving towards his partner, felt himself kneeling between his partner’s spread legs, saw his hands reach out to stroke the tender skin of the younger man’s inner thighs. He heard Blair’s sharp intake of breath and saw pearls of fluid leaking out of the head of his dick. His mouth watered.

“I like that thought too,” he answered.

Slowly, Blair reached a hand up and curled it around the base of Jim’s skull. He gave a gentle pressure, just to see what the older man would do. Jim bent like a willow in the wind; eyes half-closed with desire. He felt the older man’s breath before a shy tongue snaked out to say hello. He let Jim taste him, not pressuring him to take the entire organ in his mouth just yet.

“You taste good,” Jim said, licking all around the head of his cock like it was a sucker. “Really good. Better than I thought you would.”

“Good. Take me in your mouth, Jim,” Blair instructed, giving his head a gentle nudge.

Jim didn’t need much convincing. He was already eager to learn every single cell of his Guide, inside and out. It was strange having another man’s dick in his mouth. At first he wasn’t quite sure how to keep his teeth out of the way and he gagged himself trying to take more than the first couple of inches.

“Here, angle it down some more,” Blair helped by holding his cock and pushing it down so that Jim could take it more easily.

Jim let his lover’s voice wash over him. His mind felt at once sluggish and hyper-aware. He was so turned on he was afraid he would come at the first touch to his aching dick. He couldn’t believe this was happening. After all this time. 

Blair’s cock was hot and hard on his lips and tongue. Even though he’d never sucked another man before, he tried to remember the things he liked and he listened for Blair’s instructions and adjusted his technique accordingly. He found himself forgetting about his own painful arousal as he became more and more absorbed in pleasuring his lover, in hearing more of the dirty-sexy words spilling forth from the younger man’s mouth.

“That’s it, Jim, suck me. Yeah. Just like that. For a guy who’s never sucked cock before, you sure seem to love it. Do you like it Jim? Are you enjoying my hard dick sliding in and out of your mouth? Try and go a little deeper, babe. Relax your throat. Oh yeah, that’s the way. Mmmm,” Blair’s voice trailed off as he watched his lover inch his way down his shaft. He was frankly impressed with Jim’s technique. Jim had almost managed to get all of his dick in his mouth and down his throat. The slurping and groaning noises Jim was making as he sucked were driving him crazy. 

Jim pulled back to get his breath, and watched a string of his saliva cling to the head of Blair’s erection. Using his hands, he gripped the hard member and jacked his lover a few times, enjoying all of the new sensations involved in having a male lover. Glancing up, he saw the Blair was watching him intently. Their gazes met and Jim felt brave enough to give the younger man a grin. Blair grinned back.

“You can stop now,” Blair said, putting one hand on Jim’s to still his stroking. “I want to cum with you inside me. I’ve been dreaming about this for years. I can’t wait to feel you stretching me wide. I want to see what you look like when you cum. Have you ever had anal sex Jim?”

“A few times. I had a couple girlfriends who liked it,” Jim answered.

“Good, then you know the basics. The mechanics are the same. Except there’s one big difference. Ever had one of your girlfriends stick a finger up your ass? Play with your prostate?”

“No, but I’ve done it myself. A few times,” Jim said, his face heating.

“Did you like it?”

“Oh yeah, I liked it,” Jim said.

“Good, now imagine it’s not just a finger. Imagine it’s my thick, hard cock rubbing against that little gland. Over and over and over. When I finally take your cherry, Jim, I’m gonna make you cum into next week.” Blair closed his eyes on this image. It wasn’t quite time for that yet. He wanted to make sure that Jim really wanted it before they took that step. “But for now, I want you inside me, making me cum. What do you say, Jim? Do you want to fuck me?”

“Yeah, I want to fuck you, Blair,” Jim said, feeling like he was under Blair’s spell. Feeling like if Blair asked, he’d roll over right then and let Blair fuck him. And he realized that he wanted it too. Just having Blair’s cock in his mouth had shown him how much he wanted it. He wanted Blair in every part of him. He wanted to belong to Blair and for Blair to belong to him.

“Do you have lube up here or should I go get mine?” 

“I’ve got some, in the drawer there,” Jim nodded towards his bedside table.

Blair reached over and retrieved the half-used tube. Jim watched his lover set the tube on the nightstand and scoot back on the bed. “How do you want me, Jim? When you’ve thought about this before, how did it go?”

In the space of half a second, fantasies and images flashed across his brain. He tried to pick out something specific. His mind supplied a still-frame from one of Blair’s movies. His partner, as a young man, on his knees, his head and shoulders lowered to the mattress. 

“On your knees.” Jim climbed up on the bed as Blair turned, kneeling in the center of his bed on all fours.

“Like this?” He asked, looking back coyly over his shoulder.

“Yeah, sort of.” Jim said, taking the lube off the night table and letting it fall to the mattress where he could get to it quickly. He knelt up behind his partner and ran both hands down Blair’s smooth, warm back to his ass where he stopped and palmed both cheeks, gently parting them, gazing at the small, tight hole he’d be using shortly. He felt Blair shudder with arousal and moan softly. Running his hands back up to Blair’s shoulders, he applied gentle pressure. Blair, easily reading Jim’s non-verbal signal, lowered his head and shoulder so that his elbows were on the mattress, hands clasped over his head. “Like that,” Jim added, running his hands back down to grip his lover’s hips. “Just like that.”

“Get me ready, Jim.” Blair hoped he wouldn’t cum as soon as Jim touched his hole. He felt like he’d been hard for ages. 

Jim took the lube and coated his fingers. With his left hand, he stroked up and down Blair’s back while he touched the tip of his index finger to the small hole. For a minute he just stroked, up and down, until Blair began to push back against the gentle pressure. When he finally breeched Blair’s body he felt the younger man stiffen slightly. 

“You okay?” He asked, stilling his inward motion.

“Yeah, more,” Blair replied, pushing back to take more of Jim’s finger. 

Jim followed instructions, moving just the one finger in and out a few times, feeling the internal muscle start to loosen and relax. 

“Give me another one, Jim, I want to feel you.”

A second finger joined the first and he started to scissor them apart slightly as he moved in and out. Blair was moving with him, making love-noises deep in his throat. Jim rotated his hand, searching for Blair’s prostate. He found it a couple of inches inside the tight channel, and rubbed it firmly on his next pass.

“Fuck!” Blair’s exclamation made him smile.

“Like that?” He asked smugly.

“Jim, I swear, if you don’t put your cock inside me soon, I’m gonna cum and I really want you in me before I do that,” Blair said, voice rough.

“Your wish,” Jim answered, pulling his fingers out so he could lube up his erection. Belatedly, he realized he should have asked about condoms. He had some stashed in the same drawer with the lube. 

“Jim?” Blair asked, looking back over his shoulder when he noticed Jim’s hesitation.

“Do you want me to wear a condom? I know we didn’t discuss this…”

“When’s the last time you had sex?” Blair asked.

“Four months ago. Angela. I used protection. I’ve used protection with all of my partners except Carolyn. My last test at the department was clean.”

“Three weeks ago. Michelle. I always use rubbers too. I’ve only had unprotected sex once, when I was a teenager. My last test was clean too. I’m cool with you going bareback. If you want me to wear one when I do you no problem.”

“Okay,” Jim paused, the head of his dick rubbing up against Blair’s loosened hole, “just so you know, this is it for me, Blair. I won’t be seeing anyone else while we’re together. I wouldn’t risk your health, your life, that way.”

“Ditto,” Blair replied, “now will you please put your cock in my ass? I’m dying over here!”

“Roger that.”

When he pushed into his lover’s tight heat, he almost came. Gritting his teeth and giving his balls a hard squeeze narrowly avoided disaster. He listened to Blair’s noises and felt the younger push back against him. His entire being was centered in the few inches where he and Blair were connected. It felt incredible, beyond incredible. 

“You feel so good,” Blair whispered. “Hot and hard and filling me up. Can’t believe this is actually happening.”

“Believe it,” Jim said, stroking his hands over Blair’s body, trying to vary the sensory input so he could last longer. “You feel good too. So tight.”

Jim took his time on that first thrust, wanting to give his partner time to adjust. When his pelvis met Blair’s butt he stopped, enjoying the sensation of his dick being squeezed in that hot hole.

“I’m good, Jim. Come on, I want to feel you.”

Jim pulled back slowly and pushed in, trying to angle for Blair’s prostate. It took a few thrusts before he was sure he’d nailed it. Blair’s hiss and moan let him know he’d got it right.

“Harder, man. I’m not made of glass. I want to feel your power. Wanna feel you lose it.”

His answer was a powerful thrust, followed by another and another, until they were rocking together with such force that Blair could clearly hear and feel Jim’s balls slapping against him. 

“Yeah, that’s it. Give it to me. I love it! Love you! God! Fuck!” 

Blair’s words combined with the physical act to heighten Jim’s arousal to fever pitch. He was almost there. So close. He reached around to find Blair’s weeping erection. Blair continued his string of expletives and dirty talk as Jim drove them both to completion. 

“Almost there, babe, almost there,” he chanted, feeling sweat dripping down his back and face, watching similar beads slide down Blair’s back towards his neck.

“Say my name, Blair. I want to hear you say my name when you cum.”

“Oh, God, Jim. Yes! Jim! I’m cumming! You’re making me cum. Do it do it doit doit doit!”

A few more strokes and thrusts and Jim felt Blair’s cock harden a fraction more and then he smelled the pungent odor of Blair’s semen as he came. Jim kept thrusting through Blair’s climax, on the verge himself. When he felt Blair tighten on his dick, contracting his sphincter muscles to give Jim even greater pleasure, he couldn’t hold back any longer. He used both hands to grip Blair’s hips and drive his dick as far into his lover as he could get while he came. His vision greyed for a moment until he came down. For a few minutes they stayed like that, getting their breath back. Then Blair slowly sank down into the mattress, Jim’s dick sliding free with a wet plop. He crawled up to lay beside his lover, pulling Blair back against him so they were spooned together.

“You okay?” Jim asked, enjoying the feel of a relaxed, sated Blair in his arms.

“Uh huh,” Blair answered. He seemed incapable of intelligible speech. 

Jim felt pride and love spread a smile across his face.

“I love you, Blair,” he said, feeling the words were wholly inadequate. 

“I love you too,” Blair answered, clearly well on his way to sleep. 

Jim spent a few minutes trying to stay awake. He wanted to enjoy the feeling of holding his new lover in his arms. Until he realized that this was only the beginning. He closed his eyes, letting sleep take him, looking forward to a lifetime of nights just like this one.


End file.
